Hey my name is Zac and I like music and art and shit.

 

Tuesdays..

Tuesdays use to be the worst days for me. In a way they still kinda are. It’s like a reminder for the mistakes I made. A reminder for what really happens when you deal and lose. I hate Tuesdays. But you know, I get through them. I don’t know how. It bothers the shit out of me but I do. Albert Camus once said the best answer to lives absurdity is no answer. Why question existence, just exist! Life is full of ups and downs and the bizarre and we cannot be expecting to find an answer one day. So I say that to say this, I just don’t care anymore. I mean I do but I don’t. I accept the fact that someone I cared about broke my heart for the benefit of themselves. Should I be mad cause its for their benefit? I’m not sure but it hurts so bad and it feels so misplaced you can’t help but feel terrible. So I stay away. Way away. I wish I could be further but the universe isn’t big enough to get away with a broken heart. You always have your memories, fortunately and unfortunately. I have to say I am surprised how far I’ve came from where I was. I don’t know how many times I wanted to stain their hands with my blood as they’ve pierced my soul with their arrows. How glorious to watch them suffer from heaven or hell but no. I have people I care about more in this world. If I were to turn my back on them, and fall from the Earth, I would be doing the same thing I’ve had to deal with. That’s all really. I have no fear of death. At least I like to believe so. The thought of it just seems like something we all go through. It’s inevitable. Anyway I’m recording as a new person. I’ve learned a lot and I’ve forgotten what I originally thought was true so that truths may replace them. Coming up on another year brings joy to me. Who will break my heart this year? Na. I could care less. Will I stop it? Probably not. I’m an organ donor when it comes to my heart. I shouldn’t have put it on my license. It’s a curse, too really love someone in this world. You’re always prone to fall into the depths of depression and suffer with the rest of the world. Suffering for one thing or another. It’s fine though cause today I haven’t reached my full potential. I strive towards it with every second. Sprinting, every Tuesday. I don’t care if they envy who I become or not it’s not for them. It’s so I can look back and see you all in my ashes. Wishing you had thought things over. That’s for me. Revenge? Nope. Destiny, yes and no. Life does consist of becoming but what you become for whatever reason is entirely up to you. I just want my mom to see that they never got to me. I want them to see what they’ve created so they understand. They have to understand.

As it comes in..

I feel so broken cause everyone’s always trying to fix me or replace me and that shit pisses me off. I’m broken because you see me as broken. I feel like I can do anything you’d ask of me. But I can never get you to love me. Loving someone is more than just what you’re capable of doing its going beyond that for someone you love. There’s a reason you love them in the first place. She just loves to hurt me cause I guess there’s nothing she can do about it but that’s bullshit. If I’m telling you what you’re doing is really hurting me why will you continue to do it? No bullshit excuse about whatever will suffice. As a person whom you share love for is hurting bad by you. Do you not love them enough to just stop?if not how can you love them in the first place. See all this pain and torment you put me through that’s cause of the love I have for you. And I get repaid by “feelings I didn’t expect”. News flash, I’m suppose to mean something to you but I guess I could be replaced but where’s the purpose of having me in your life and loving me in the first place? The more and more I talk about it to other people, to you, to God, nothing adds up. I don’t understand why you can just do things that hurt me no matter how good for me you think they are they’re painful. And it’s not like I can’t be anything you need to be, even if its myself. You don’t need anyone else. Now you’ve hurt me so many times I’m just ready to walk away from you forever. I’m starting to not stand the thought of you cause the person I thought you were is vanishing from in front of me. You can’t even try for me? It’s like you like seeing me in pain cause you never try to make it go away. You just tell me you’re sorry. I’m fuckibg dying over here and you’re sorry. “I’m sorry you feel bad let me make myself feel better and get attention from another guy, I remember why I liked him so much. Yeah I need that.” Do you not understand how backwards that is? That’s not love at all. You can love a man in the sky who you’ve never seen and trust him to do whatever you need in life. But you can’t see what’s real, what’s in your face? I’m not here to watch you piss away the love god supposedly gave to me for you. It’s genuine and it’s why I’m like this because I feel like if things don’t work out the world would of missed out on something really awesome. The world needs better love stories. Stories that don’t even seem like love stories because they’re told so uniquely. And if you’re cool with all that you need to switch things up cause you’re making me feel unwanted to the max. And eventually you’re going to have to do better. It’s actually pass the time for you to do better. I give you my all why don’t I ever seem to deserve yours?

Ted

I’m on the muthafuckin couch. Chillin at the house I’m moving in. We went out tonight. I can’t feel my facccccceee. I wish I felt like I do right now all the time. Just doped up. So I don’t feel this, anticipation. This calm before the storm, I feel it. Sometimes you can do everything for the outcome you pray for or hope for the most. Not like just a wish that you ask for and don’t do shit but one you really do hard work for. Even if its waking up and fighting to sleep everyday and night. I wish. I didn’t care so much but man, I think about her face and I melt. God she’s so beautiful to me. Like its not just the face value it’s her eyes and the smile oh my god I just explode into so many good feelings that I don’t even feel bad. I don’t hate her, it’s like how could I? Everyone even her expects me to hate her and that hurts me. It’s the truth. I guess. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. So, in a way, could a relationship, a legit worship relationship, with God be insanity?
Folks pray to be a better Christian, I guess. A better person in the name of The Lord. And you commit to it and embrace it. Bravo. Always good to believe in something, always. No lie. But then from something you cannot see, something you can see is the shit you get for, whatever. A test or a sign? Too simple things with much much bigger differences. But God I’ve been the best I could be. Never cheated. Never denied you in the past. Never broke any commandments. Treated people exactly how I would want to be treated. And it’s like it doesn’t matter or you don’t care. I call this Ted cause its on the tv screen right now. I focused hard to spell right and let my shit flow. I’m too raw I guess. Out of control. I spiral into depression. Into substances. It’s like pity. No one want that. I just wish people went out there way for me. I do it but I’m only one person. I’m in this circle. A vicious one. She’s gonna go with him. Of course, I’m not there. If she wants someone, she’s gonna want someone close. I did my best. My very best. Wore my best shoes and my best smile. I tried to show that I really was the best choice. I know I’ve been an ass but its because I didn’t know what to do. God always makes it really hard before it gets any better. At least for me. I just really want her in my life. I don’t want to push her out because I’m too big of a coward to hear she’s happy with him or that she’s even with him. I can’t do it, that’s my girl. I can’t. I’d probably run away. So far away. I just don’t have the strength. I can’t be that person. And she’d understand… Gosh. I’m drunk and ramblin I’m done

A year ago today…

I spent the holiday in Emory Hospital with my mom. Two days before she passed away and I was upset cause the cancer and chemo messed with her head so much she didn’t remember me at first. I was her first born. I love her so much but it was nothing compared to her love for me. Ill never feel that way again. And I think that’s what’s got me so fucked up in the head now. I miss that. And the people that tell me they love me, I don’t doubt them. Collectively, it gets me through the day. It keeps me from going over the deepest edge. If i don’t thank God for that I’d just be turning my back on him. And an eye for an eye leaves us all blind. It’s definitely changed my life. There’s a hole in my broken heart and it will never be filled. There was just this big moment of enlightenment however. Death is so close and it’s not scary. In a sense, it’s true peace. Freedom from others, freedom from “the possible”, the inevitable. The big sleep. Sleep is like death’s cousin. I wake up mad I woke up most mornings, shame. Anyway. My pops says he’s having a hard time sleeping. I presumed he hasn’t since mom passed away but I didn’t bring it up. Basically he’s having the same insomnia as me. I’m no doctor so in other words, we both just can’t fucking sleep. I’ve never been so uneasy. Sleep is bliss and even that’s hard to achieve. And I just don’t understand why cause I try to be a great guy. I don’t even try cause its easy to me. I feel happy being me. But yet I fall short on so many things, oh my god dude you don’t understand, that I have burning passions for. Things I work hard for, maybe even pray for, if its bad enough. And I get shit. Just piles and piles of it with a pat on the back for being so sweet. Come on, dude I could go out there and be a dick. It’s so easy to transition into and soooo much easier to be one. I could go out there and blow up buildings or even shoot up a school or something. Cause the world some serious fucking harm, but I don’t. It would be easy cause once I die, who gives a fuck right? The damage is done. Na but that’s just not my style. I don’t want to hurt people. They just hurt me. Why do they want to do that? I go out of my way sometimes cause I don’t want to hurt them but its like people don’t feel that i’m not whatever enough or whatever too much for them to make those same decisions. So much for the golden rule. I just want to give it all to God… I really do, It’s so heavy. But I just don’t feel like I can trust him. I have a vision for my life that I really want. I know there’s not a damn thing I can do about any of the things that fuck my mind throughout the day. The memories, the pain, the promises. But I can at least get up and fight for it everyday. God has just really, let me down when I really needed, anything. Prayed for moms, she’s gone. Gave me friends, hallelujah. Then I gave my heart. Now I continue to struggle more than before. I don’t know, if there’s suppose to be a sign, I’m looking. I’m running out of novacane though. I’ma need a double dose, ASAP.

As I progress the more and more I think about things the more I create situations in my head that make me feel terrible. Like really insane. I told my therapist that I can’t sleep at night and when I do sleep, waking up is a huge disappointment. He told me I should stay active. Keep my mind occupied and for the most part I try to. It keeps the darkness from flooding into me and driving me to do terrible things. But when I’m alone, when I have time to think, the worse comes out of me. I hate her and her and I argue with God for taking my mom and putting so much bullshit and pain in my life. It drives me crazy cause it never shuts up. It makes me want to just blow my brains all over the walls. Like I never realized how much damage had been done. There was major damage initially but the lingering damage is really what’s killing me. And I just feel like I’ll never really be the same again. I feel like this guy I am now is broken and he needs to die so the new me can emerge from the ashes. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends again. When I really needed someone to pull through for me, ya know she let me down. I can’t have that in my life cause that’s not what I’m about. My last is your last, my love is your love. I’ve lost like 30 lbs in the past 3 weeks, I haven’t slept worth shit in God knows how long, and I’ve dranked and smoked enough to fill a pool with alcohol and cig butts. If the world ended tonight at least I wouldn’t care. If there’s anything I learned is endurance, I guess. Another lesson in trust. I just hate that I can’t be friends again. I would be able to if I wasn’t such a jealous person. A competitive person till I die. You know it just handicaps my behavior around her. And if I can’t be free to be myself around people I don’t want to be around them. I’m an awesome person, or so I’ve been told, I don’t care for censorship. And I definitely don’t care to see the girl of my dreams with some one else. Life has never been as hard as it has been now. And if God wants me to deal with it by myself while he plays with my heart and mind, cool. Whatever, he’s God, he can do whatever. I guess it’s just my time to be fucked with. Whatever.

Somedays I just really miss my mom..